she told me that my life was “out of control” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

a letter to someone important to me

Here is what happened:

Rock bottom for me is snorting drugs every single day. Showing up to school disoriented, unable to find my homework, unable to even organize my thoughts. Sleepy and restless nights. Dilated pupils. Silly laughing.  I drank a lot today. I was brought back to rock bottom again. I felt like everything was out of my own control. I didn’t even want to be with people. Rock bottom is not knowing how I feel ever. Allowing myself to make decisions that I wouldn’t make usually. Associating myself with people that are clearly mentally unstable. I indulge in the feeling of drunkness. I look at pictures of people and I think about them and I indulge in the feeling of rock bottom, almost idealizing it. but it’s silly. I want to make films and do math. I don’t want my liver to fail, I don’t want to smoke cigarettes on a stoop and think about all the times I fucked up, I don’t want to be friends with silly girls that just want to sleep with me. I want to feel alright. This environment is bad for me but what can I do?  Here, I feel like my life is on stilts. If you ever visit me, you’ll see. America is a place with too much tension. Blacks whites gays straights rich poor. Tension tension tension, I need to go to a place where no one knows who I am. I need to disappear. But then tomorrow morning, I will crack open a beer. it’s all the same. Infinite loop.
The problem is, I don’t have stable, good people in my life. My one roommate is a philosophy major and a pizza delivery boy. My other roommate is a liberal arts major. They’re good people, but I can’t stay with them forever. I’ll just be stuck again. You’re the only stable, good person in my life so far (that isn’t my parents).
Do tell me if I bother you though. I have too many feelings. I feel like I’m 17 again with some silly girls in a car. I like talking with you and I hope you feel the same (hopefully hopefully hopefully).

what do you think?

confirmation that I’m good comes in the form of, I can look at these pictures and not feel sick. I CAN LOOK AT THESE PICTURES AND FEEL NOTHING. no regret no indulgence. high school was silly.

sometimes I think I’m good but sometimes I feel like nothing

I am kicking cans on the street
the street goes nowhere
the street goes nowhere
but it bends and it turns
I forgot how you felt
scrips scrips scrips
I write them but I forgot how you felt

I took a left on suss
A friend lives in my room with me
I smack him with my slippers every night
but he keeps coming  back.

rosy eyed insincerity

I find myself dreaming about film in physics class and dreaming about physics in film class.

The next time someone tells you that you’re not taking enough risks. You tell them that you’re giving up your dreams and your own sanity.

We were supposed to get really good handmade icecream, whatever that his, but the waitress brings us cartons of haagen daazs. I put strawberry, chocolate, coffee, and vanilla into my bowl. then I ask the waitress to scoop the strawberry icecream in my bowl back into the carton. She can’t seem to find it. I tell her that it’s under the coffee ice cream. she searches for a while and finds it.

What is it that I am thinking about?

My cousin will visit me in December, I’ll show her all the fun places around Philadelphia. and then things will be the same. I’ll sit here waiting for her to get off work, and she never will. she never will. her sister asked me if I wanted to kiss her, she could tell by the way I held her that I wanted to take her clothes off to fuck her. I am too vulgar about these things. She is beautiful with pale, clear skin and big round eyes and a big round mouth. She would try to grope me but would blame me for it. Her incessant flirting with the driver pissed me off. She wriggles in her jeans in the morning. So I’ll show her the places and she’ll think that they’re cool and I’ll show her my friends and she’ll think that they’re cool. But not cool enough to let me inside.