rosy eyed insincerity

I find myself dreaming about film in physics class and dreaming about physics in film class.

The next time someone tells you that you’re not taking enough risks. You tell them that you’re giving up your dreams and your own sanity.

A lot has happened since I got back home.  To start, a few days after I got home, I got into a fight with my parents. It resulted in a lot of things. They threatened to kick me out. I had my middle fingers in the air and I wasn’t wearing pants. My dad dragged me by the neck and threw me on the ground and then fucked up all the shit in my room. and yeah, it was a disaster. luckily they didn’t throw me out, that would’ve sucked. Then a few days after, in the wee hours of the morning my mom barged into my room to get burger king coupons, saw the tobacco I had sitting on my desk and asked me where I got it. I said I bought it. It took two seconds for her to take a can and viciously hit me in the back of the head with it. I braced my head for a while, hoping that she would leave. But she kept pacing back and forth demanding that I give her the fucking burger king coupons.  That same day I got this terrible headache. Two days after, I got a fever of 39.3 degrees celcius, three days after that, when my fever didn’t go down, we went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with strep throat. I’ve been sick for a week now. It feels like there are razors in my throat.

I told my mom that she was emotionally abusive. which is true. and she agreed and apologized. we are okay now I guess. well whatever,  I switched my major to geology and redid all my classes. I also decided that I should be a writer and move out of the united states sometime. those two can coincide. My friend told me to go see a therapist, but I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating myself out of something. I’m moving into my apartment when I get better. I already dislike one of my roommates, lets see how that goes.

We were supposed to get really good handmade icecream, whatever that his, but the waitress brings us cartons of haagen daazs. I put strawberry, chocolate, coffee, and vanilla into my bowl. then I ask the waitress to scoop the strawberry icecream in my bowl back into the carton. She can’t seem to find it. I tell her that it’s under the coffee ice cream. she searches for a while and finds it.

she tries to keep her nose and head in check.
short glances to the side to the left.
the morning commute is long and dirty,
people shift around with their noses in papers.
a woman clutches her designer bag
and checks the stitching for inconsistencies.  
she tries to keep her thighs parallel to each other but it never works because they always connect somewhere.
when her stop comes, she gets up to the cadence of the automated voice.

she takes exit A1 to a road with no name.
rides up to the fifth floor of the second building to the left.  
she would answer the calls even if blood were running down her leg.
she comes home at nine and does a lame exercise routine. says
"there’s nothing better to do" then goes to bed

What is it that I am thinking about?

My cousin will visit me in December, I’ll show her all the fun places around Philadelphia. and then things will be the same. I’ll sit here waiting for her to get off work, and she never will. she never will. her sister asked me if I wanted to kiss her, she could tell by the way I held her that I wanted to take her clothes off to fuck her. I am too vulgar about these things. She is beautiful with pale, clear skin and big round eyes and a big round mouth. She would try to grope me but would blame me for it. Her incessant flirting with the driver pissed me off. She wriggles in her jeans in the morning. So I’ll show her the places and she’ll think that they’re cool and I’ll show her my friends and she’ll think that they’re cool. But not cool enough to let me inside.